What to do when your libidos don’t align.

Do you find that you’re always in the mood when your partner isn’t? Try not to take it personally. Sex drive can vary massively from person to person, and sometimes aspects like birth control or stress can affect your libidos even more.

Partners having mismatched sex drives is so normal, but it can sometimes be tricky to navigate a relationship where one person has a higher sex drive than the other, and it might even cause a few clashes or arguments. Here are some important things to try or consider if you’re feeling this way.

1)      Remember to take each other’s feelings into account.

Being on both sides of the spectrum can be upsetting and confusing. The partner with a higher sex drive might feel unwanted or rejected, while the partner with a lower sex drive could feel guilty or confused. It’s important to remember this when trying to navigate discussing sex and try to minimise hurting your partner’s feelings as much as possible.

2)      Communicate!

Just talking about your differences can be so helpful in navigating your different libidos. Finding ways to either initiate or turn down sex that make you both feel good is the best possible outcome, so talk about any words or phrases that make you feel bad, and work on avoiding them. Maybe you have certain moods or circumstances that mean you’re definitely not in the mood for sex? Let your partner know so they know not to try and initiate it then. Just knowing more about each other’s preferences will help to minimise any conflict around sex.

3)      You don’t owe sex.

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean that anybody owes anybody sex. If you have a low sex drive and don’t want to have sex for weeks or months that is completely okay. Similarly, if you have a higher sex drive, your partner doesn’t owe you sex so it is important not to make them feel guilty about their sex drive, or feel pressured into sleeping with you. It’s important that your partner is respectful of your boundaries and never makes you feel as though you have to do things that you don’t want to do.

4)      Reassurance.

Remind your partner that having different or varying libidos is completely normal and that it is nothing personal if you don’t feel like having sex that day. It can be easy for couples to assume the worst if they’re not having sex for a period of time, like that their relationship isn’t going well or one partner isn’t attracted to the other. A lot of the time this isn’t the case, and having high or low sex drives is completely normal. Just reminding your partner of that and offering your reassurance is sure to be a huge help.

Edited by Mmesoma Muogilim.