Trigger warning: this post contains content surrounding topics of emotional abuse, grooming and child porn.
There are so many things I would like to say to you that I simply can’t say to your face. Maybe because I’m a coward, or maybe because I just don’t see the point. Clearly, I didn’t mean to you what you meant to me. And that’s okay, I guess…
I don’t think about you often, after all, it’s been seven years.
I was sad today, I got a really bad mark on one of my uni projects, which makes me feel worthless because I’m not even good at what is supposed to be my future job.
And, just like every time I’m feeling down, I decided to open my laptop to see old baby pics of my nephews. Fighting pain with more pain, that’s how I do it. I want to look at pictures of my four-year-old nephew when he was one, but I can’t find any. I look through my phone. What I do find are image folders. Lots of folders. 2015, 2016, 2017…
So, of course, I get curious…
2015, just a 13-year-old kid living her best life, lots of pictures with friends and family;
2016, exactly the same, except this time I’m 14;
2017, still a kid… But, what are all those Instagram DM screenshots?
Suddenly, the 2017 folder is no longer filled with pictures of me, or my friends, or my family… There are only Instagram DM screenshots. I’m not stupid, I know what those are. Still, I decide to read them. It’s amazing how a few words can teleport you to the exact moment you first read them.
And so I remember, I remember the way those words made me feel, the way you spoke to me. How you told me I was, literal quote “Incredible. Your personality is incredible at such a difficult age.” The “difficult age” being, recently 15 years old. So, the typical “you’re so mature for your age” but with a little bit of spice. You treated me so well, at least in the beginning, before it became – even – creepier when you started with the forceful sexting requests.
Let’s recall an important fact. You had a girlfriend. And I knew about her (although not at first). We were both at fault, but it was obviously worse on your part. Just think about it.
15-year-old me, with my own high school drama, having the same crush as my best friend. And my other best friend. To be fair, he also played with our feelings… But he was a kid. Just like we were. And it was appropriate. I was madly in love with a guy in my class, the same age as me… Name something more typical.
And then there was YOU. 19- year-old senior, surfer vibes, blonde, long hair, blue eyes, guitar player… The perfect mix between Niall Horan and Harry Styles. Just uglier, although I didn’t see that back then. What can I say, I have a type. I must admit, you were my platonic crush, and also my older cousin’s ex! Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined what was going to happen.
Call me crazy, but I remember the exact date we ‘officially’ met.
Friday, January 20th, 2017. The rain forced my PE teacher to move our outdoor lesson to the library. That semester’s learning theme was ‘the circus’. I was minding my own business, trying to flirt with my crush by showing off my plate-spinning skills and my clumsiness while trying to juggle three rice balloon balls.
You were sitting in the back, pretending to study, but in reality just killing time, because you were free that same hour every week, and luckily for you, that one came with a circus show, literally. That’s when you inserted yourself in the picture and came in to try and teach me how to juggle. Little did I know, later on, you would be doing the same with my heart.
So that was it. We spent an hour together in the library, then you responded to my Instagram story and that same night you became my confidant. We texted for hours. I told you I’d never had my first kiss, how madly in love I was with a guy in my class, and also how I thought he liked some other girl who was a year younger than me.
To which you responded: “You’re a step ahead of her”, and I, without having a clue, said: “because I’m a year older?” Your response was: “Because you’re a year better.”
So cringe right? Well, you need to picture a 15-year-old girl who has never been involved in a romantic relationship before. It left a mark on me. And like that one, many more. What now I would say are complete bollocks, in that moment, they just made me fall for you even more. After a few more compliments, where you already got me wrapped around your finger, I learned that you had a girlfriend. But “don’t worry, I’m gonna leave her”, that’s what you used to say all the time. So, I stayed.
Bearing that in mind, yes, I was at fault… but you were worse.
Let the illicit affairs begin.
You know, I find it funny sometimes how I can relate to Taylor Swift’s lyrics even to the smallest details. Her song ‘illicit affairs’ says: “What started in beautiful rooms, ends with meetings in parking lots.”
What started in beautiful rooms: literally a library, c’mon.
Ends with meetings in parking lots: remember where we met up for the very first time? Yup, that would be my parking lot.
I do often think about that “date”, the one that could have been the memory of my first kiss. It would have been a lot nicer than the actual one.
I was so naive. February 12th, I sneaked out of my flat at 2 am, but still left a note to my mum in case she woke up and noticed I was missing. Sneaky, but not that much. When I opened the door that led to the parking lot (I live in a large block of flats), you were there, opening a pack of mint chewing gum. I did not pick up on that. After hours of talking and hugging, we were right about to kiss, when all of a sudden, we got flashed by the light of a car parking right in front of us. And like a vampire at dawn, you disappeared with a very rushed goodbye. If we were cartoon characters, there would have been smoke in the spot you were at.
To this day, I still curse whoever decided to arrive home at 4 am in the morning and ruin my first kiss. Because, even under the less-than-perfect circumstances, it would have been “perfect”.
Now I get to remember my first kiss by a way of getting me to give you a handjob and suck your dick. I hate you.
It was our second “meet up”, and this time you were home alone. We were sitting on your sofa when you grabbed my hand and put it where you wanted it to be. An action that, that same summer, was going to leave a stain on my soul forever. I then proceeded to move it, and say something along the lines of: “How am I going to do this if I’ve never even had my first kiss?”
So, you just kissed me. Or, you tried to. We kissed for a second before I moved away and said “Uhhhh I don’t know how to do it!!” – give me a break, I was just a child after all.
This is gonna shock you but I don’t exactly remember if we kissed again straight away, but I do remember you saying: “Okay. Now you’ve had your first kiss, you can finally do this” Then proceeded to put my hand on your crotch. And, like a fool, this time I saw no reason to refuse it.
What started with a handjob quickly became a blowjob, minutes after having my first-ever kiss.
Isn’t that the perfect summary of our “relationship”?
Did you think I was done? Well, almost, I feel like I’m re-writing the Bible here, but bear with me, will you? There are still some things I need to say to you.
Do you remember that time you told me you didn’t want to ‘take my virginity’ because you’d feel like a horrible person for doing so? Well, what if I told you that now, 7 years later, I realised that you did, in fact, ‘take my virginity’? That penetration is not necessary for one to lose their virginity?
How do you feel now, huh? Do you feel like a horrible person now? Still not?
What if I remind you of the way you “broke things off” with me? Oh wait that’s right, you never did! You just ghosted me right before the summer started. I wonder why.
And what about all the times you forced me to send you naked pictures and videos of myself, even when I didn’t want to do it because otherwise, I would lose you?
Okay, okay this is a good one, do you remember when you FILMED me while giving you a blowjob so I could “learn by watching myself”?
And what if I told you that, to this day, I’m still scared that all those pictures, videos, and a literal SEX TAPE of a 15-year-old CHILD might see the light of day someday? What about now? Do you feel horrible now? Because I really hope you do.
The 15-year-old you groomed.
P.S. You should be in jail.
READ MORE CONFESSIONS: Out of the Closet – Floozy
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Edited by Yoan Shterev