I Didn’t Poop For Weeks When My Boyfriend And I Started Dating

by | May 29, 2023 | Out of the Closet

Yes, I know what you must be thinking… That’s impossible! Well, I am the living proof that, sadly (and I say sadly because I SUFFERED), it is definitely possible.

When I started dating my boyfriend, we were like a 2 in 1 pack. We both lived in our respective Uni accommodations with en-suite bathrooms, but I “moved in” to his, because it was bigger and better. I mean.. obviously.

But the point is that we were ALWAYS together, and we did everything together, well, almost everything.

The thing is, it’s not like I didn’t want to poop because I was embarrassed to do so with him on the other side of door… Actually yes it was.

But only at first! My plan only backlashed when, a week later, I was finally by myself for the first time and I was feeling as bloated as a lactose intolerant after raiding a cheese factory and, to my surprise, I couldn’t poop.

Bear in mind this was like a week after I *purposely* decided not to. And when I couldn’t take it anymore, it’s like my intestines said: tough shit.

It was very tough to shit, indeed.

I was literally in so much pain and my boyfriend (we’re still together years later btw) started noticing that I never went for number 2 and he made jokes about how I was ‘magic’ or whatever. The girl that doesn’t poop.

Bitch, here I am looking up on google if I could die from constipation while you’re somehow ‘glorifying’ me for not pooping.

I even ended up buying a freaking enema on Amazon that, thank god, I never ended up using. Just from thinking about it I got flashbacks from being a baby and having a suppository up my ass.

My intestines noticed my intentions and decided they didn’t want that to happen either so, after two weeks of cosplaying Balloony from Phineas and Ferb, I finally pooped.

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